worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!