Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.