Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

“no gods no masters” = leo

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101