Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I created you as mosquito food.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

⛄️

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas