Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..