Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.