Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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Meow
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today