Rather alarming headline…
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My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“no gods no masters” = leo
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.