Rather alarming headline…
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas