A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Cheer up.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
S O O N
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.