Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
You Might Also Like
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I am a gravy boat captain
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.