Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
oh you wanna fight?!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.