Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”