Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hmm, not sure about this change

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Oh the world we live in…

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …