Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

Cow it started Cow it’s going

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

This story is comedy gold 😂

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor