Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You Might Also Like
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
love it when they get my name right
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.