Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Erm I’m gonna say no

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween