Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
never ask a starfish for directions
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
#NoRestForTheWicked
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.