Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.