Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.