Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
You Might Also Like
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude