Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
i- i did not expect this
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date