Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
How do you milk an almond?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.