Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
