Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.