ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
You Might Also Like
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek