Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

How long do you have to wait between naps?

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck