Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.