Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
This one, by a wide margin
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?