Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

So that’s what we looked like?

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away