Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this