@splegge

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

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@saucy_peaches

Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@Abid_ism

once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers

@ValeeGrrl

My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.

@AbbieEvansXO

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

@SteveSuckington

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

@DaddyJew

It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”

@mdob11

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?