Why are you so pissed?
You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?