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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
How can I say no to this ?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Chemical wingman
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”