You Might Also Like
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Feb: I have 28 days this month.
Jan: I had 28 days each week.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*