You Might Also Like
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”