Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Weighing up my bread heating options

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?