Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no