Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Why soy sad?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.