Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

…żyje?

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

kevin is now a local weatherman

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.