Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Air conditioning – not a fan

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Very problematic

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

This meal prepping shit easy

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.