Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*