*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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My kid when he鈥檚 in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it鈥檚 so wet like I don鈥檛 know what he鈥檚 doing
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
For my next magic trick I鈥檒l turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
It鈥檚 actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
(cant remember king kong鈥檚 name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There鈥檚 an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
If I鈥檓 grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he鈥檚 my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that鈥檚 a yes
Me: I used to use baby oil so I鈥檇 fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don鈥檛 know where you belong. You鈥檙e very insane.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
(Jupiter –
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.