@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

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@sammyrhodes

I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

@TheToddWilliams

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

@Midgetspar

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

@shopkins776

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

@ReticentTurnip

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

@liv_thatsme

“Got a dog.”

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

“Had a baby.”

Me: cool.

@Quartzjixler

I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

@HenpeckedHal

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

@CantWaitToNap

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.