Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

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ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.


The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.



Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.


Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.


Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore


New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.


I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.


Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again


Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”


I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.