@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

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@zachreinert03

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

@KeetPotato

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

@Darlainky

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

@lmwortho

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.

@Taryn_

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

@ShoutingGoddess

One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool