Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.
facebook remains undefeated LMFAOOOOO
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:
Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Me: No, on plates, you fool