@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

@DannyZuker

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

@TheCensoredRock

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

@chickenmclovin

New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.

@livingnBoston

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

@brendohare

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

@enigmaterics

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.