Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.


Beer makes me feel invincible.

Vodka makes me feel innvienceablrerrer.

*falls down*


You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger


Well if you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?


Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.


Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.


I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.


I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.


In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection


Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.