[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.