Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

If only.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

This is not me but this is me

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries