Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.