Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

I am also baked goods

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

What flavor cupcake are these

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE