Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*