Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
wtf management?!
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
🤯🤯🤯
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
my first day as a raccoon
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.