Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.