re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Webb. James Webb.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“FRAAANCE!”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.