re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
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hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards