Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same