Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.