Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

Proctologist = Analyst

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right