Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

japanese corn

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.