Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Well, shit
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.