Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work