Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I need to get some bricks…
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.