Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.