[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Best senior quote ever
After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more