Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”


Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.


After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.


I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.


brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys


I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?


My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.


ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more