@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

- @wendchymes

You Might Also Like

@charliedelta7

I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@SassyPantssss

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

@Audenary

*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself*

‘wait, if that’s here’

*son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@alliejane_508

I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.

@KKAlThani

I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.