Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.