*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
That’s not how days work.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.