@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

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@dril

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

@PatsATweetin

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

@dlockw21

Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?

Me: Yeah. Should be fun.

Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

@michimama75

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

@mommajessiec

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

@MaybePileJokes

[at a russian casino]

husband: I don’t know, this roulette looks kinda weird.

wife: ffs gary, would it kill you to try something new!