*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.