[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
