[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.