[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Ghost costume 😂
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …