Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.