Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺